Lost Things

By Marisa Keller

The clip we borrowed at the horse show was silver and made life easier. It held back the locks of mane that inevitably got in the way of, or caught in, the current braid as we prepared the horse for her time in the dressage arena. We can’t find ours. It’s gone by the way of lost socks, or stuffed into a pocket or extra bag somewhere. I found it annoying. Good money spent to have a braiding kit where everything could be kept neatly together. And it’s a clip, meant to keep things together.

It got me thinking about lost things. Lost time, lost love, lost sense of balance. Where do they go? When you are a person completely made of love. Driven by creativity. An over achiever in loyalty. What happens when those we love disappoint us. They make promises to do things differently but don’t. Those lost things are replaced by another person’s anger, negativity, competitive nature, and yearning to fit in.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m lonely. But I am a grateful person. So I’m also thankful for the many good things in my life. I still can appreciate that first warm wind in spring and roll down my windows when a favorite song comes on the radio… and remember my lost things.

I’m older now. I can’t say that I wouldn’t have changed a thing. I would have. There are things however, I wouldn’t have missed. Certainly the miracle that is my daughter. Every animal I have ever known. Being surrounded by trees. The moments that shook me, or made me feel, exhilarated me and made me remember that I could do anything. The music that recall those moments. A perfect béarnaise.

Disappointment begets longing. For some that’s a motivator. For me it is like a plug. It makes me tired and over-organized, yet everything is still messy. Things pile up and aren’t thrown away. I am always on time. Always questioning if I’ve done enough, all shaded by an undercurrent of longing.

So I try to perpetually improve my life. Look for the reason I continue to draw those who are unsteady, unable to let me keep my footing, much less help me find it. I long for the stability that will allow me to let it all out. When I was a young woman I always wished to have just one love. I envisioned it to be with someone who made me feel the well being it takes to explore the deepest parts of our individuality, together.

Lost.

So we borrowed the clip from a lovely friend who seems to have her braiding kit in tact and we had a great weekend with only a bit of longing. With some moments of emotionally driven chaos, I didn’t think about the lost clip a bit.

But I do think about my lost things, and the fact that as the years press on, there is less time to find them. I also think about how those lost things affect my demeanor and in so doing affect those whose futures depend on me. I do believe things happen for a reason. So what is the reason for the current state of affairs.

That’s where I am, a little lost.

all rights reserved • Marisa Keller